Enjoy it.... they grow up so fast.

As I rocked Griffin to sleep, yes he still needs to be rocked/nursed to sleep (I say every night that I MUST find a new method, but I just don't ever seem to hold true to that statement) I was thinking....

I remember when Griffin was about 2 weeks old, 3 months old, 5 months old... everyone saying, Enjoy it, they get so big so fast. At that time I was almost wishing the time away (see a previous ranting blog.) I have stated that I don't regret feeling like I wanted time to fly by. And I still don't. Griff is 10 months old. He is a fascinating little boy. I have so enjoyed watching him develop into this little person. Okay, so I miss him being so tiny, but there are so many things about him being the age he is now that I LOVE!

* When he was only 3 months old, he was forced to cuddle with me. Now, he chooses to cuddle with me. We will be playing on the floor and he actively runs over and gives me a big hug. There is almost always a motor boating session to follow, but I'll take it.
* When he was 5 months old, he often became so bored and restless he would just whine. Now he can entertain himself with his toys, my pots and pans, or.... my potted money tree. He moves from one activity to another with ease. He is no longer relegated to one area of the living room. He is welcome to roam free.
* He chatters away, rather enthusiastically, about any and everything that he encounters. The inflection... the emotion... and thought he seems to put into his babbling amazes me. Sometimes I wish I understood what he is trying to express.
* The walking... oh the walking. That in itself has made everything in life different. Many say, "man he is walking early... watch out!" I have found him being mobile such a treat. It has allowed some much needed freedom in my life. I can now stand and do dishes while he moves about the kitchen (Or digs in my tupperware drawer.)

So, while, yes, I miss him being small, I am excited to continue the adventure of Griffin growing up. I love watching his personality come out. He smiles with ease. He laughs and plays peek a boo. He gives hugs and kisses, sloppy ones, but kisses they are. He walks. He is attempting sign language here and there. He is just this amazing little being that makes my life complete.

Baby fuel for my little monster

While I was still pregnant, I had decided that I was going to make Griffin's baby food. I did some research and found that it was actually much easier than I expected. So, the pregnancy continued.... Griff was born.... 5 months later, the food making began.

I received a baby food maker: it steams, purees, and sanitizes all in one machine. I was that much more hyped about taking on this very important nutritional adventure for my son. I also received a baby food cookbook as a Christmas gift that has served me well thus far. Armed with loads of knowledge and machinery.... Off to the grocery store I went.

Whole foods is a glorious heaven! I always envisioned myself strolling through the produce section with Grffin in the shopping cart just looking around at all the colors. Today, that happened. With the diaper bag packed, Griff in his car seat, yes of course some whining occured, and our list of baby food ingredients in hand...we were off!

Griffin has tried a wide variety of fruits and veggies, so this trip was extra fun. I was able to pick lots of things that he could have throughout the week, instead of the same old thing 4 days in a row. I loaded my arms with so many plastic bags for the produce, I couldn't help but smile a little. Why? I was taking all these healthy, bright colored fruits and veggies and teaching my little guy healthy eating (I should take note myself.........) I believe he truly enjoys eating. There has been only one thing that he just would not eat, spinach. (I am going to mix it in with sweet potatoes in the future and see if that makes a difference.) I got butternut squash, zucchini, carrots, nectarines, pears, bananas, a mango, blueberries, apples, sweet potatoes.... He loves them all.

When I think about how important nutrition is, I can't help but be proud of sticking to making Griffin's food. 5 years ago I wouldn't have even thought about making Griffin's food. I would have just given him the jar stuff that is on all the shelves at grocery stores. My husband says it's because I actually care about the food that fuels my little monster. It matters to me that Griff is as healthy as he can be. It matters to me that he gets the nutrients that he needs to keep playing as hard as he does. I love going shopping for his food. I love peeling and chopping and cooking his food. But most of all, I love seeing the look on his face when he gets something good for lunch or dinner. I love knowing that I am contributing to his healthy self.

My, how he's grown.....

As I sat and rocked Griffin to sleep tonight, I couldn't help but think about the last seven months. It has flown by. I'm both happy and sad about this fact. Happy because it means that he has become such an inquisitive little boy who wants to learn about everything. Sad because I so quickly wished time would go faster so I could get out of the rough ride of "grumpy griffin." Everyone said.... Enjoy it because they grow up so fast, but I couldn't enjoy it because I was utterly exhausted and completely insane. I look back and don't really regret wishing time would speed up. I now have the tools to deal better with number two (who is not on the way....relax.)

Over the last two weeks, Griffin has become such a little personality. The new resting place for my tush is the floor. The only time I am on the couch or in my chair is when I am nursing Griffin. Or of course when he has finally gone to bed for the night. I reside on the floor. At first I found this rather uncomfortable, but now I have grown used to the idea that the floor is my permanent resting place for the time being. I love to sit back against the couch and watch Griff play with his cars. Watching him learn how they work and move fascinates me. I can almost see his brain working. Then he quickly moves on to the next thing. He finds a set of toy keys. He lays down on his back, holds them in front of his face and jiggles them. He shakes them. He slams them down by his side. He listens to the noise they make as they all smack together. Then, of course, he finds the need to crawl over to me and climb on and over my knees. I am his own personal Mount Everest. After an intense session of playing, I find that Griff is hungry. How does he let me know? He sucks in his lower lip and moos at me. Not the conventional moo sound, but more of a Mmmmhmmmmmm. The kid is a riot.

He is a seven month old who seems like he is really much older. He sits without being propped up. He crawls. He can go from his belly to sitting. He walks along the edge of our ottoman. He would rather be walking then doing almost anything else. He is constantly chatting.... Or chatting loudly, like yelling. He giggles and laughs and smiles like there is nothing better in the world. He is amazing. I am in aw of him. I look at him and think, he is me. He is my husband. He is mine... ours. He is this little person who is growing and learning way faster
than I ever expected. He is my little Griffy.

Ugh, how I'm feeling.....

I have so many different emotions and feelings going on. Sometimes it's scary how quickly I can go from one to another. It is something like this... Happy, sad, frustrated, alone, excited, sad, happy, lonely, productive, lazy, happy, angry, confused, lost, elated, defeated, creative, happy...... And it just continues on and on like that on repeat for days. It is not all geared toward Griffin or any one particular event or situation. It is just the way my moods work. I try to get out of the house. I go on walks. I spend time in my studio. Some days I feel like I have nothing to say- like my sole responsibility is to take care of Griffin. Some days I can't shut up with excitement for something new. The ups and downs really kind of stink! Is it depression..... Absolutely. What can I do about it? It is a problem I am working on solving because something needs to change.....

Okay, just thought I'd share that stream of thoughts. No need to be alarmed, I truly am okay, just learning how to live life a different way.

It's been just a little bit......

It has been quite a bit of time since my last blog...mostly because I have been busy. Really busy. I have thought about my blog... I have intended to write, but something has always come up. I was busy for a long time dealing with Griffin's neediness and crazy sleeping schedules. Then I finally started getting more time to myself, so I started my Etsy shop back up, selling stuffed animals. In addition to all that, I was battling a slight case of depression. Well maybe more than a slight case....Nonetheless, I was miserable, cranky, and often times a complete bitch! But I guess that is just what life decided to hand me.

Over the last 2 months or so Griffin has developed and learned a great deal. He has rolled over, started to belly crawl and really move around the living room. He has also become very vocal and bossy. He sits and plays. He is eating homemade baby food and really enjoying it. The big achievement for me..... He has finally decided that bedtime isn't terrible. We still have our nights, but it's so much better than it used to be!

It has been a rough few months, but it seems to be getting better. We are now at 6 months and I can't believe we have come this far. It's kinda crazy to think that I am the mom of a 6 month old!

On Parenting....

The following blog was written by my husband and I felt the need to share it on my blog.....

This one's been gestating for awhile.. and I'm still not certain I've got it all hashed out in my head the way I want to before I write it down.. but I'm going to give it a shot anyway.  You'll notice how many questions I have to which I still haven't worked out the answers.

I've been thinking a lot about parenthood lately, for obvious reasons.  And also as would be expected, I find myself thinking a lot about the experiences that I had as a child and how they still affect me today.

Now, my parents did a good job raising me.  I had a mostly happy and full childhood and I feel like I learned a lot of the lessons I should have - both necessary and silly.  But I also want to give my son a somewhat different experience than what I had growing up.  It's a constant conversation in my head trying to figure out what to do for Griffin - trying to figure out how he's going to react, how it's going to change his development, how it's going to affect him for the long term. 

There is plenty of research in the world showing that the first twelve months of a person's existence is the most crucial and influential to the way that their personalities develop permanently (if such a word can be applied to personalities.. they are rather dynamic, aren't they?).   Griff was up at 6am for a feeding this morning.  Once Amber got back in bed, I found myself talking to her about how stubborn he is already.. and how we, as parents, have a challenge ahead of us as I'm already sure he's going to be stubborn as hell.  That's not a bad thing.. there are plenty of ways stubbornness can be channeled into a positive quality in a person.  The question is, how do we foster those positive uses? How do we discourage the negative ones? 

And that might be the real meat of this whole thought process.  Not only do we need to identify the qualities we want to either encourage or discourage, but we have to decide what the best way to do that is.. and I think that's where I'm finding some places that I want to distance myself from some of the methods my parents used and embrace other methods they employed.  I'm not sure how much I want to rely on punishment as a parenting tool.  I know I will have to employ it at some point, but how frequently?  How severely?  What about positive reinforcement?  How does one go about doing that without appearing weak or as a pushover?  My parents used negative reinforcement frequently with me (and again, I don't say that with any negativity).  I got the wooden spoon, I got spanked, I got stuff taken away, I got grounded.  That's not a bad thing.. but how heavy do you wield the hammer?  How does it affect personality development?  Is there a better method?  If so, is it better every time?  If not, how the hell do you determine when to use what method?

I keep feeling that it's a lot like weeding a garden just after everything starts breaking ground.  You have to figure out what plants are tomato plants and which are weeds.  Once you've identified what you want to allow to grow, you have to employ a method of killing the others.  Round-up?  A hoe?  Yank 'em out one-at-a-time?  Don't forget to pull those roots all the way out.  The biggest spot where this metaphor fails is when it comes to free will.  He's a person, not a vegetable garden.  I get that I'm only going to be able to effect or encourage so much growth, but what do I do when he just refuses to take the lesson?  How hard do you try?  How stubborn do I need to be as a parent?   Where do you spend the currency of discipline?

A few weeks ago (before we had resolved most of the sleeping issues), Griff woke up in the middle of the night.  At that point, he wanted very little to do with me and refused to let me put him to sleep.  He wanted Mom only for those duties.  I was trying to give Amber a break.. so there I sat for a couple hours in the middle of the night with him on my lap in the rocking chair.. he kept looking at his bedroom door and crying out.  He KNEW he'd used this method before and he KNEW that Mom responded to it.. yet I wasn't going to let it work this time.  That behaviour needed to be changed.  I sat there with him for over an hour and a half that night in a battle of wills until he finally relented and fell asleep.  I'm still not certain if I'm happy about the way that was resolved or not.  Yeah, I showed him (and myself) that I'm capable of being tough, but I also showed him that no matter how he cried, we weren't going to help him take the path of least resistance to get back to sleep.  Did that damage my relationship with him?  Earn respect or earn a little bit of disappointment/spite?  Was that the right decision?  I realize that was a pretty minor situation, but it's a microcosm of how life has been lately, and of how I'm expecting it to continue until I hit the graveyard.

I keep trying to figure out how my parents would have done it.  I keep trying to figure out if I would like the results of how they would do it or not.  I keep trying to figure out if that's a method that I can employ with Griffin and his unique personality.  In the end, I know I'm going to love him unconditionally no matter what for who he is.  But there's that big, fat responsibility there for us to try to help him become as well-rounded, reasonable, and capable of an individual as we can.  I know I should expect to struggle with this for the rest of my life.  I guess I'm just trying to figure out what to expect and how to be better prepared for the situations parenthood is going to present.

                      --Jake Botticello

Patience...... I need some!

Patience....  is it a hot commodity?  Can I buy it on the black market? Does anyone want to lend me some? Because right about now.... I could truly use some.  I mean I really REALLY need some.  I am just about at the end of my rope here.  For the past month, we have been fighting the infant sleeping battle.  My husband and I have tried just about every combination of sleeping patterns and routines.  We've tried many mini naps throughout the day.  We've tried one long nap and two short naps.  We've tried bath, nurse, bed.  We've tried the swing.  We've done co-sleeping.  I've actually been just about forced to co-sleep due to the fact that I need sleep myself.  Griffin just can not seem to get into a deep enough sleep to sleep longer than 2 hour stretches.  I've managed to perfect the side nursing position and get some sleep.  But, I find myself wondering if I have caused all these problems..... Did I allow him to get the idea that it's okay to fall asleep in my arms and not sleep anywhere else?  Did I allow him to get the idea that the ONLY place to sleep is in my arms or attached to my breast?  I'm to the point of insanity.  Today, I tried the "let's keep him awake all day without any naps" route.  Well, that was a horrible idea, especially because my husband was at work ALL day (9am-9pm).  I had no one to help.  I had no one to hand him to when I could no longer take his crankiness.  I eventually let him sleep for about a half hour.  Once 7:00pm rolled around I thought, okay, bath time.  Into the warm water he went.  Afterwards, I nursed him and he fell asleep.  I thought to myself.... "hmm, how long will this last?  Is this success?"  NO!  After about an hour of sleeping, his little blue eyes opened and looked at me, "thanks for the nap, Mom," was what those eyes were saying.  Now, as I type, he is in the moby and I'm fuming.  Why?  Because I'm so tired of spending my ENTIRE day with this difficult child!  Does that make me a horrible Mom?  I just can't take it anymore.  I truly am tired of spending my every waking hour tending to Griffin.  I need some me time!  I hear everyone always saying, "enjoy the times when they are this little because they grow up so fast...."  but I can't quite take that advice to heart.  I'm finding it VERY hard to enjoy this time when he is being so difficult.  And, to be honest, it's hard to listen to people say, "it gets better"  because right now.... I don't see it getting better any time soon.  I don't feel like it's going to get better.  I feel incredibly lost.  I don't know what to do anymore.  Maybe I'm just being selfish and over dramatic.  Maybe I'm being a baby.  But damn, this is a lot harder than I ever thought.  I have tried to let it go.  I have tried to let it roll off my shoulders.  I keep telling myself that he's an infant.  He doesn't know any better.  He doesn't mean to be difficult...... But, it's getting to the point that my little pep talks just aren't helping anymore....................