This one's been gestating for awhile.. and I'm still not certain I've got it all hashed out in my head the way I want to before I write it down.. but I'm going to give it a shot anyway. You'll notice how many questions I have to which I still haven't worked out the answers.
I've been thinking a lot about parenthood lately, for obvious reasons. And also as would be expected, I find myself thinking a lot about the experiences that I had as a child and how they still affect me today.
Now, my parents did a good job raising me. I had a mostly happy and full childhood and I feel like I learned a lot of the lessons I should have - both necessary and silly. But I also want to give my son a somewhat different experience than what I had growing up. It's a constant conversation in my head trying to figure out what to do for Griffin - trying to figure out how he's going to react, how it's going to change his development, how it's going to affect him for the long term.
There is plenty of research in the world showing that the first twelve months of a person's existence is the most crucial and influential to the way that their personalities develop permanently (if such a word can be applied to personalities.. they are rather dynamic, aren't they?). Griff was up at 6am for a feeding this morning. Once Amber got back in bed, I found myself talking to her about how stubborn he is already.. and how we, as parents, have a challenge ahead of us as I'm already sure he's going to be stubborn as hell. That's not a bad thing.. there are plenty of ways stubbornness can be channeled into a positive quality in a person. The question is, how do we foster those positive uses? How do we discourage the negative ones?
And that might be the real meat of this whole thought process. Not only do we need to identify the qualities we want to either encourage or discourage, but we have to decide what the best way to do that is.. and I think that's where I'm finding some places that I want to distance myself from some of the methods my parents used and embrace other methods they employed. I'm not sure how much I want to rely on punishment as a parenting tool. I know I will have to employ it at some point, but how frequently? How severely? What about positive reinforcement? How does one go about doing that without appearing weak or as a pushover? My parents used negative reinforcement frequently with me (and again, I don't say that with any negativity). I got the wooden spoon, I got spanked, I got stuff taken away, I got grounded. That's not a bad thing.. but how heavy do you wield the hammer? How does it affect personality development? Is there a better method? If so, is it better every time? If not, how the hell do you determine when to use what method?
I keep feeling that it's a lot like weeding a garden just after everything starts breaking ground. You have to figure out what plants are tomato plants and which are weeds. Once you've identified what you want to allow to grow, you have to employ a method of killing the others. Round-up? A hoe? Yank 'em out one-at-a-time? Don't forget to pull those roots all the way out. The biggest spot where this metaphor fails is when it comes to free will. He's a person, not a vegetable garden. I get that I'm only going to be able to effect or encourage so much growth, but what do I do when he just refuses to take the lesson? How hard do you try? How stubborn do I need to be as a parent? Where do you spend the currency of discipline?
A few weeks ago (before we had resolved most of the sleeping issues), Griff woke up in the middle of the night. At that point, he wanted very little to do with me and refused to let me put him to sleep. He wanted Mom only for those duties. I was trying to give Amber a break.. so there I sat for a couple hours in the middle of the night with him on my lap in the rocking chair.. he kept looking at his bedroom door and crying out. He KNEW he'd used this method before and he KNEW that Mom responded to it.. yet I wasn't going to let it work this time. That behaviour needed to be changed. I sat there with him for over an hour and a half that night in a battle of wills until he finally relented and fell asleep. I'm still not certain if I'm happy about the way that was resolved or not. Yeah, I showed him (and myself) that I'm capable of being tough, but I also showed him that no matter how he cried, we weren't going to help him take the path of least resistance to get back to sleep. Did that damage my relationship with him? Earn respect or earn a little bit of disappointment/spite? Was that the right decision? I realize that was a pretty minor situation, but it's a microcosm of how life has been lately, and of how I'm expecting it to continue until I hit the graveyard.
I keep trying to figure out how my parents would have done it. I keep trying to figure out if I would like the results of how they would do it or not. I keep trying to figure out if that's a method that I can employ with Griffin and his unique personality. In the end, I know I'm going to love him unconditionally no matter what for who he is. But there's that big, fat responsibility there for us to try to help him become as well-rounded, reasonable, and capable of an individual as we can. I know I should expect to struggle with this for the rest of my life. I guess I'm just trying to figure out what to expect and how to be better prepared for the situations parenthood is going to present.
--Jake Botticello
I too, often compare my upbringing with my own plans for my children, as I imagine most first-timers do. Not only do you want to improve upon your own experience, but at least for us mommies, we have our own moms telling us what they did and what we should do. We're bombarded with constant critiques via grandparents, doctors, books etc etc. Everyone has their own way, which in the end will be like a huge quilt, some old squares passed down, some new we make ourselves. It's a combo you can't escape. This little person becomes our legacy, our everything we give the world, nothing else we do will ever matter more. Pressure. I spend time considering what I want from Olive, where I'd like her to be but I also spend a lot of time riding the waves. I think to myself, "well at least next time I'll be prepared," but that one will entail a whole new set of waves. So it seems practical to really observe who they are as little people, let them show you the way. Develop the good and discourage the bad and realize that most likely no one act is going to affect his outcome in such a detrimental way. It's the overall environment you've created that will shape him. He won't remember having to cry it out so mom can get some much needed rest :) He may remember being punished but won't consider those to be the defining moments if carried out in a healthy way. He'll recall feeling loved by mom and dad and watching them love each other. I think that's the most important thing we can show them.
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