Monday, January 24, 2011
Patience...... I need some!
Patience.... is it a hot commodity? Can I buy it on the black market? Does anyone want to lend me some? Because right about now.... I could truly use some. I mean I really REALLY need some. I am just about at the end of my rope here. For the past month, we have been fighting the infant sleeping battle. My husband and I have tried just about every combination of sleeping patterns and routines. We've tried many mini naps throughout the day. We've tried one long nap and two short naps. We've tried bath, nurse, bed. We've tried the swing. We've done co-sleeping. I've actually been just about forced to co-sleep due to the fact that I need sleep myself. Griffin just can not seem to get into a deep enough sleep to sleep longer than 2 hour stretches. I've managed to perfect the side nursing position and get some sleep. But, I find myself wondering if I have caused all these problems..... Did I allow him to get the idea that it's okay to fall asleep in my arms and not sleep anywhere else? Did I allow him to get the idea that the ONLY place to sleep is in my arms or attached to my breast? I'm to the point of insanity. Today, I tried the "let's keep him awake all day without any naps" route. Well, that was a horrible idea, especially because my husband was at work ALL day (9am-9pm). I had no one to help. I had no one to hand him to when I could no longer take his crankiness. I eventually let him sleep for about a half hour. Once 7:00pm rolled around I thought, okay, bath time. Into the warm water he went. Afterwards, I nursed him and he fell asleep. I thought to myself.... "hmm, how long will this last? Is this success?" NO! After about an hour of sleeping, his little blue eyes opened and looked at me, "thanks for the nap, Mom," was what those eyes were saying. Now, as I type, he is in the moby and I'm fuming. Why? Because I'm so tired of spending my ENTIRE day with this difficult child! Does that make me a horrible Mom? I just can't take it anymore. I truly am tired of spending my every waking hour tending to Griffin. I need some me time! I hear everyone always saying, "enjoy the times when they are this little because they grow up so fast...." but I can't quite take that advice to heart. I'm finding it VERY hard to enjoy this time when he is being so difficult. And, to be honest, it's hard to listen to people say, "it gets better" because right now.... I don't see it getting better any time soon. I don't feel like it's going to get better. I feel incredibly lost. I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I'm just being selfish and over dramatic. Maybe I'm being a baby. But damn, this is a lot harder than I ever thought. I have tried to let it go. I have tried to let it roll off my shoulders. I keep telling myself that he's an infant. He doesn't know any better. He doesn't mean to be difficult...... But, it's getting to the point that my little pep talks just aren't helping anymore....................
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Hang in there and know that is nothing you've done. Right now you have to do what you can to stay sane. The best thing you can do is care for yourself. He is obviously very well taken care of. My little bit of advice if you're interested is to focus less on getting him to do one thing or the other and do something for yourself in those moments you really feel strained. Every morning when I see Olive getting tired I get her going in the swing and take a shower.She usually fallsalseep and I don'thave to endurw the crying. Sometimes she's still going at it but at least you have those private moments to regroup if nothing else. And don't beat yourself up. You're doing a great job and that's obvious by how hard you're trying.Call me tomorrow if you get stressed.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing a wonderful job, Am. He's a ball of crazy right now, I get that. I hate to see how much he's getting to you.. and I think that would be my advice. I know it's not easy to not let him get under your skin.. Let it be. Stay in your head. Don't let him drive you nuts. Get some space, no matter how you do it. Patty gives you some good advice. He'll survive if he screams for 10 minutes while you find a way to center yourself. You won't ruin him and you won't devastate him. Worry about your brain as much as you're worried about him. It's doing neither of you much good if you're both stressed, tired, irritable, and angry at each other.
ReplyDeleteI love you both very much. You know I'm here to do what I can.
My kids, BOTH of them were miserable grumps in their infancy. I thought to myself, What have I done?" WHY did I have a baby????? And why on earth did I have ANOTHER baby?? WTH was I thinking?! Remember too that babies feed off your mood. If you are stressed, he will pick up on that and be more irritable. Stop trying to figure him out. You will drive yourself insane! If you need to lay him down for a few minutes to cry, so you can go to another room, the porch, whatever- to regroup, he will be fine! No baby has died from crying before. And that is totally different from crying it out. If you need those few minutes, then take them. I have done that on more than one occasion. Motherhood is the most hardest, thankless, yet most rewarding job there is. IT IS TRULY THE HARDEST JOB EVER! If you think you may have post partum depression mixing in with all of this, do not be afraid to call your Dr either. I had it, and it was awful. Truly the most awful thing I have even been through. Hang in there Amber and remember to count your blessings. I find myself having to do this often, because on the really bad days, it helps to get me through.
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