Patience...... I need some!

Patience....  is it a hot commodity?  Can I buy it on the black market? Does anyone want to lend me some? Because right about now.... I could truly use some.  I mean I really REALLY need some.  I am just about at the end of my rope here.  For the past month, we have been fighting the infant sleeping battle.  My husband and I have tried just about every combination of sleeping patterns and routines.  We've tried many mini naps throughout the day.  We've tried one long nap and two short naps.  We've tried bath, nurse, bed.  We've tried the swing.  We've done co-sleeping.  I've actually been just about forced to co-sleep due to the fact that I need sleep myself.  Griffin just can not seem to get into a deep enough sleep to sleep longer than 2 hour stretches.  I've managed to perfect the side nursing position and get some sleep.  But, I find myself wondering if I have caused all these problems..... Did I allow him to get the idea that it's okay to fall asleep in my arms and not sleep anywhere else?  Did I allow him to get the idea that the ONLY place to sleep is in my arms or attached to my breast?  I'm to the point of insanity.  Today, I tried the "let's keep him awake all day without any naps" route.  Well, that was a horrible idea, especially because my husband was at work ALL day (9am-9pm).  I had no one to help.  I had no one to hand him to when I could no longer take his crankiness.  I eventually let him sleep for about a half hour.  Once 7:00pm rolled around I thought, okay, bath time.  Into the warm water he went.  Afterwards, I nursed him and he fell asleep.  I thought to myself.... "hmm, how long will this last?  Is this success?"  NO!  After about an hour of sleeping, his little blue eyes opened and looked at me, "thanks for the nap, Mom," was what those eyes were saying.  Now, as I type, he is in the moby and I'm fuming.  Why?  Because I'm so tired of spending my ENTIRE day with this difficult child!  Does that make me a horrible Mom?  I just can't take it anymore.  I truly am tired of spending my every waking hour tending to Griffin.  I need some me time!  I hear everyone always saying, "enjoy the times when they are this little because they grow up so fast...."  but I can't quite take that advice to heart.  I'm finding it VERY hard to enjoy this time when he is being so difficult.  And, to be honest, it's hard to listen to people say, "it gets better"  because right now.... I don't see it getting better any time soon.  I don't feel like it's going to get better.  I feel incredibly lost.  I don't know what to do anymore.  Maybe I'm just being selfish and over dramatic.  Maybe I'm being a baby.  But damn, this is a lot harder than I ever thought.  I have tried to let it go.  I have tried to let it roll off my shoulders.  I keep telling myself that he's an infant.  He doesn't know any better.  He doesn't mean to be difficult...... But, it's getting to the point that my little pep talks just aren't helping anymore....................

Motherhood... the strange things it does to a person

Today I realized that being a mother... a mom... a mommy... a mama makes you a whole other type of breed.  It makes you a different type of person.  For those of you who don't have children might wonder what I am talking about.  You might think I'm insane... crazy for that matter!  I have always had a rather strange sense of humor, I'll send a thank you out to my mother and grandmom for that trait.  Being a Mama has only intensified my strange-ness.  My husband will verify.  I'm sure he'll follow this blog with a comment in agreement.

I'll give you a few examples of this motherhood weirdness.

• Today, as I type even, I am wearing one sock.  Why?  I have no clue!  How did I end up with only one sock on?  I have no clue!  All I know is that I left the house to go grocery shopping with two black socks on and eventually ended up with one bare foot.  When did I realize this?  When I walked into the kitchen and the tile was cold on only one foot.  I thought to myself... "why, how the hell did that happen?"  And better yet, "When?"  Neither question I could answer.  I never did put the sock back on, but I didn't take the other off either, so I sit here typing this blog with one sock on and one sock off.  I think this falls into the "some things just aren't as important anymore" category. 

• The silly faces.  The ugly faces.  The absolutely, "what the hell are you doing" faces.  Yes, even though I am out in public, I still make faces at Griffin.  He still needs to be entertained.  Just because we aren't in the confines of our own home, does not mean that he needs any less attention.  So, I give it to him.  Maybe not always at the best of times.  I find myself standing in line at the grocery store making faces at him.  I stick my tongue out.  I raise my eyebrows.  I cross my eyes.  I do anything to elicit a smile.  I'm sure the people around me think I'm a crazy lady who has left the house with uncombed hair and no makeup.  If they have children, I'm hoping they understand.......... And if you don't and you see me making these faces, don't judge me! : )

•  When I think maybe, just maybe, Griffin could handle sitting in his lamb seat for a bit, I attempt to take a shower.  What  makes this weird or strange?  You think, "hey every mom does this" just wait...... I shower with the back half of the shower curtain open.  Why?  Because Griffin feels the need to see me at all times or he lets you know he is ANGRY!  Most times I shower when my husband is home so he can hang out with the rugrat, but today I was desperate for a hot shower.  So I gathered up the little guy, buckled him in his seat and ran the little bit of hot water our house has. I jumped in, preparing to rush through a shower.  Preparing to only hope that I got all the conditioner rinsed out of my hair.  With the shower curtain half open though, Griffin allowed me a rather relaxing cleanse.  I was shocked and surprised.... and incredibly thankful!  Moms with infants know this dilemma of "to shower... or not to shower."  Today, I got to shower.  The floor might have gotten a little wet, but today I got to shower!

So, in conclusion, motherhood has made me a different person.  Maybe not always a better person (in regards to other adults in my life, I'm sorry for being a little hard to deal with...) I sing nursery rhymes in strange voices, I make faces in public, I don't shower on a daily basis (I shouldn't have admitted to that), I often cry at anything, and I walk around with one sock off.

But... what mother wouldn't deal with all those thing for a simple smile!

 

Griffin... an only child!

Over the last month and a half or so.... I've been threatening Griffin! Not in the usual sense like "I won't buy you any toys"... or "just wait till your Papa comes home" but rather "I'm not going to give you any brothers or sisters to play with if you don't stop being a pest!"  As you've all read my previous posts, Griffin has been rather difficult.  He decides when he wants to sleep and eat.  He decides where I sleep for the night.  About a week ago, I decided that I needed to take charge and stop letting a 4 month old run my life!  What?  I didn't know any better, first time parent here.  : )  Well, I did some reading on naps and nursing and routines.  I thought that I had a routine, but how wrong I was.  I needed to stop letting Griffin tell me when and where and instead tell him when and where!  So, we started a strict, well rarely strict routine.  It's worked.... Kind of.  The whole bed time is still a little hard.  I put him down after nursing and he wakes up.  We play the dance of fussing and sleeping till 11:00 or so and then he has been zonking out till 4am, nursing and then asleep till at least 8am.  

This morning, when I was cleaning up Griffin's morning oatmeal extravaganza, my husband told Griffin that if he didn't buck up, I was going to refuse to have more children.  I won't lie.... the thought has crossed my mind.  Do I want more of these little monsters.  While I love being a mom, some days are very hard to get through.  The smiles and giggles make it worth it, but damn..... do I want more of these little monsters while I have a 2 year old running around? Hmmm, it's a serious thought.  I want a family of more than one child, but currently, at this very moment, I am very satisfied with one.  Will I change my mind once Griffin gets a little more independence, I'm sure.  I hope.........   

Single Moms..... My hats off!

My hats off to all the single moms out there.  I spent one night, home alone, with Griffin and I almost felt like the world was coming to an end.  Well, it wasn't that dramatic, but I definitely give single moms, or single dads for that matter, serious credit!  I have the luxury of being a stay at home mom.  I don't have to go to work day after day and then come home to take care of an infant.  So, to those moms and dads who do the dance of working and single parenthood, man you're amazing.  I'm sure that if I absolutely had to, I could manage.  I'm a strong woman.  I can take care of myself and Griffin, but it's sure nice knowing that I have my husband to help.  It's nice knowing that I can hand Griffin off to him to take a shower or go grocery shopping.  When I think of going at this alone my heart skips a beat and my palms get sweaty.  I guess I should take the time to say a Thank You to my husband for being my husband.  For being there for me and our son. 

And on another note...  My hat is not off to the single celebrity moms who choose to have a baby because they can't find a partner in life to have a baby with.  Or to better their image as a good person.  It's almost selfish!  You might ask why do I feel this way?  Because we all know that they are not doing it alone.  Yes, okay, the single moms and dads that have children have family and friends that help.  But the celebrities all have live in nannies or nurses.  On top of that they have people to keep their houses looking like no one even lives there.  Maybe I'm being a bit over dramatic, but come on.... we all know they don't really change that many dirty diapers.  They go on the talk shows and say, "yes, I change dirty diapers and I play with so and so" but do they really do that or are they just justifying their actions to make themselves seem like a better person. Oh man, I re-read that and I sound bitter.  Maybe I'm just tired.  But again, I go back to... hooray all your single parents making life work.  I know it can't be easy!

A Year Ago.......

A year ago today my life changed. A year ago today I found out that I was pregnant. A year ago today I realized that I was responsible for someone other than myself. A year ago from right now (8pm) I was probably snoozing on the sofa due to the 1st trimester exhaustion. Everything at that moment became so crystal clear and incredibly real. Life as I knew it was going to be different......radically different.

Today I am a mother of an almost 4 month old tiny human. A mother of a little guy who has started the grabbing at everything stage, including my hair. A mother of a little guy who had a poop explosion today which was promptly followed by a spit-up explosion (we both had to change clothes twice). A mother of a little guy who smiles and his toothless grin melts your heart. I am a mother. I am now responsible for someone other than myself... My how life has changed!

Great Expectations.......

Expectations.... Milestones..... Achievements....

Has he yet?  Does he do? Does he have? The questions that will come up throughout Griffin's development as a tiny human.  It's hard as a parent, well at least for me, to try and remember that an infant's development is unique.  I have to keep reminding myself that because one infant rolled over at 2 and a half months, does not necessarily mean Griffin will be rolling over.  And on top of that... that nothing is wrong with that fact.  Just because one infant is getting teeth at 3 and a half months and Griffin has none, does not mean that Griffin is behind.  It just means that his body was/is not yet ready.  It's hard as a parent to remind myself that things will develop in time.  I have to stop comparing Griffin to the statistics of where a baby is in expectations and milestones.  He is unique and his own little person.  He will cut teeth and crawl and sit up without assistance in time.

Griffin rolled over for the first time the other day and it was a celebration!  I found myself wondering if he was supposed to do that sooner?  But, then I remind myself that Griffin is rarely on the floor.  He is often times in my lap or in the moby.  Then, I ask myself... am I stunting his growth and development as a little human because I hold him so much?  The answer to that question... No.  I enjoy his company (most days) and he likes to be with me.  Spoiled?  No, infants don't have the brain capacity to realize that they are being spoiled.  Griffin just knows that I love him.  Let me reassure you though, that we have been spending a lot more time on the floor, playing with toys that move and make sounds when you touch them.  We are working on motor skills.  We are working on tummy time.  We are just working.  Griffin will be a tiny human who will be loved.  He will be a tiny human who will develop at his own rate.  He will be a tiny human who allows his body to tell him when it's ready to do those expectations.. those milestones... those achievements that my husband and I wait for.

Parent Paranoia

Oh The paranoia of parenting...... I often times find myself wondering what is the reason for certain behaviors Griffin has.  For example, why he was up so late one night or why he has all of a sudden started putting his hands up by his ears.Is he teething?  Is it an ear infection?  Or has he just discovered the fact that he has ears and wanted to always play with them.  I do this a lot.  I find myself making excuses for the things he does to justify what, I'm not sure.  I really just need to realize that infants do things just because.  There isn't always an answer to the questions I'm asking in my head... or even out loud to anyone who will listen.  I am a person who needs answers and reasons why.  I am structured and a little obsessive compulsive.  I have learned (slowly learning is a better description) to let things go a little.  When Griffin is up late, I need to just let that be.  By the time 10:30 rolls around, I'm frustrated and pissy.  I have to tell myself that it's just the way his body is working tonight and let it go.  Some nights are harder than others, I will admit. 

I need to go with the flow.  Infants change on a daily basis.  Because he did something one day, does not mean he will do the exact same thing tomorrow or a week from now.  Eventually, I'll learn and be okay with things as I grow as a parent. Hopefully.........

New Years Eve

Ah... Good ol New Years Eve.  The night where everyone stays up late to watch a ball drop from Times Square.  A night to kiss a loved one...... or a complete stranger for some.  A night to drink and drink till you find yourself with blurry vision and/or stumbling.  For me, it was a night to carry a not-so-happy Griffin around the living room.  We started the night out fantastic.  Bath, lotion, story, nursing... sleeping!  YAY!!!  Then came 10:00pm.  Griffin woke in his swing crying a river.  My husband and I both tried to soothe him, but he was not having any of it.  I had turned the t.v off, attempting for a quiet atmosphere.  Next thing I knew, my husband was coming into the living room asking for a kiss.  HUH?!  Happy New Year!!  I totally missed the ball dropping.  Well, at least I missed it live.  Thanks for technology, I was able to watch it second hand. 

I remember this time last year, I was curled up on the couch, wondering to myself, if the reason my eyes were heavy was because I was getting old.  I found myself half asleep while the ball dropped.  I was thinking to myself, have I gotten so out of touch and so old that I no longer have the desire to stay up and watch performers sing songs that were dubbed over.  Or watch Dick Clark attempt to count down from 20?  Looking back, it was mostly because I was unknowingly pregnant and dealing with exhaustion.  Funny, how last year I was sound asleep and this year I was half asleep carrying a baby who wanted nothing to do with sleep.  I'm telling myself now that he just wanted to ring in the New Year with his Mama and Papa. And that he did.