Enjoy it.... they grow up so fast.

As I rocked Griffin to sleep, yes he still needs to be rocked/nursed to sleep (I say every night that I MUST find a new method, but I just don't ever seem to hold true to that statement) I was thinking....

I remember when Griffin was about 2 weeks old, 3 months old, 5 months old... everyone saying, Enjoy it, they get so big so fast. At that time I was almost wishing the time away (see a previous ranting blog.) I have stated that I don't regret feeling like I wanted time to fly by. And I still don't. Griff is 10 months old. He is a fascinating little boy. I have so enjoyed watching him develop into this little person. Okay, so I miss him being so tiny, but there are so many things about him being the age he is now that I LOVE!

* When he was only 3 months old, he was forced to cuddle with me. Now, he chooses to cuddle with me. We will be playing on the floor and he actively runs over and gives me a big hug. There is almost always a motor boating session to follow, but I'll take it.
* When he was 5 months old, he often became so bored and restless he would just whine. Now he can entertain himself with his toys, my pots and pans, or.... my potted money tree. He moves from one activity to another with ease. He is no longer relegated to one area of the living room. He is welcome to roam free.
* He chatters away, rather enthusiastically, about any and everything that he encounters. The inflection... the emotion... and thought he seems to put into his babbling amazes me. Sometimes I wish I understood what he is trying to express.
* The walking... oh the walking. That in itself has made everything in life different. Many say, "man he is walking early... watch out!" I have found him being mobile such a treat. It has allowed some much needed freedom in my life. I can now stand and do dishes while he moves about the kitchen (Or digs in my tupperware drawer.)

So, while, yes, I miss him being small, I am excited to continue the adventure of Griffin growing up. I love watching his personality come out. He smiles with ease. He laughs and plays peek a boo. He gives hugs and kisses, sloppy ones, but kisses they are. He walks. He is attempting sign language here and there. He is just this amazing little being that makes my life complete.

Baby fuel for my little monster

While I was still pregnant, I had decided that I was going to make Griffin's baby food. I did some research and found that it was actually much easier than I expected. So, the pregnancy continued.... Griff was born.... 5 months later, the food making began.

I received a baby food maker: it steams, purees, and sanitizes all in one machine. I was that much more hyped about taking on this very important nutritional adventure for my son. I also received a baby food cookbook as a Christmas gift that has served me well thus far. Armed with loads of knowledge and machinery.... Off to the grocery store I went.

Whole foods is a glorious heaven! I always envisioned myself strolling through the produce section with Grffin in the shopping cart just looking around at all the colors. Today, that happened. With the diaper bag packed, Griff in his car seat, yes of course some whining occured, and our list of baby food ingredients in hand...we were off!

Griffin has tried a wide variety of fruits and veggies, so this trip was extra fun. I was able to pick lots of things that he could have throughout the week, instead of the same old thing 4 days in a row. I loaded my arms with so many plastic bags for the produce, I couldn't help but smile a little. Why? I was taking all these healthy, bright colored fruits and veggies and teaching my little guy healthy eating (I should take note myself.........) I believe he truly enjoys eating. There has been only one thing that he just would not eat, spinach. (I am going to mix it in with sweet potatoes in the future and see if that makes a difference.) I got butternut squash, zucchini, carrots, nectarines, pears, bananas, a mango, blueberries, apples, sweet potatoes.... He loves them all.

When I think about how important nutrition is, I can't help but be proud of sticking to making Griffin's food. 5 years ago I wouldn't have even thought about making Griffin's food. I would have just given him the jar stuff that is on all the shelves at grocery stores. My husband says it's because I actually care about the food that fuels my little monster. It matters to me that Griff is as healthy as he can be. It matters to me that he gets the nutrients that he needs to keep playing as hard as he does. I love going shopping for his food. I love peeling and chopping and cooking his food. But most of all, I love seeing the look on his face when he gets something good for lunch or dinner. I love knowing that I am contributing to his healthy self.

My, how he's grown.....

As I sat and rocked Griffin to sleep tonight, I couldn't help but think about the last seven months. It has flown by. I'm both happy and sad about this fact. Happy because it means that he has become such an inquisitive little boy who wants to learn about everything. Sad because I so quickly wished time would go faster so I could get out of the rough ride of "grumpy griffin." Everyone said.... Enjoy it because they grow up so fast, but I couldn't enjoy it because I was utterly exhausted and completely insane. I look back and don't really regret wishing time would speed up. I now have the tools to deal better with number two (who is not on the way....relax.)

Over the last two weeks, Griffin has become such a little personality. The new resting place for my tush is the floor. The only time I am on the couch or in my chair is when I am nursing Griffin. Or of course when he has finally gone to bed for the night. I reside on the floor. At first I found this rather uncomfortable, but now I have grown used to the idea that the floor is my permanent resting place for the time being. I love to sit back against the couch and watch Griff play with his cars. Watching him learn how they work and move fascinates me. I can almost see his brain working. Then he quickly moves on to the next thing. He finds a set of toy keys. He lays down on his back, holds them in front of his face and jiggles them. He shakes them. He slams them down by his side. He listens to the noise they make as they all smack together. Then, of course, he finds the need to crawl over to me and climb on and over my knees. I am his own personal Mount Everest. After an intense session of playing, I find that Griff is hungry. How does he let me know? He sucks in his lower lip and moos at me. Not the conventional moo sound, but more of a Mmmmhmmmmmm. The kid is a riot.

He is a seven month old who seems like he is really much older. He sits without being propped up. He crawls. He can go from his belly to sitting. He walks along the edge of our ottoman. He would rather be walking then doing almost anything else. He is constantly chatting.... Or chatting loudly, like yelling. He giggles and laughs and smiles like there is nothing better in the world. He is amazing. I am in aw of him. I look at him and think, he is me. He is my husband. He is mine... ours. He is this little person who is growing and learning way faster
than I ever expected. He is my little Griffy.

Ugh, how I'm feeling.....

I have so many different emotions and feelings going on. Sometimes it's scary how quickly I can go from one to another. It is something like this... Happy, sad, frustrated, alone, excited, sad, happy, lonely, productive, lazy, happy, angry, confused, lost, elated, defeated, creative, happy...... And it just continues on and on like that on repeat for days. It is not all geared toward Griffin or any one particular event or situation. It is just the way my moods work. I try to get out of the house. I go on walks. I spend time in my studio. Some days I feel like I have nothing to say- like my sole responsibility is to take care of Griffin. Some days I can't shut up with excitement for something new. The ups and downs really kind of stink! Is it depression..... Absolutely. What can I do about it? It is a problem I am working on solving because something needs to change.....

Okay, just thought I'd share that stream of thoughts. No need to be alarmed, I truly am okay, just learning how to live life a different way.

It's been just a little bit......

It has been quite a bit of time since my last blog...mostly because I have been busy. Really busy. I have thought about my blog... I have intended to write, but something has always come up. I was busy for a long time dealing with Griffin's neediness and crazy sleeping schedules. Then I finally started getting more time to myself, so I started my Etsy shop back up, selling stuffed animals. In addition to all that, I was battling a slight case of depression. Well maybe more than a slight case....Nonetheless, I was miserable, cranky, and often times a complete bitch! But I guess that is just what life decided to hand me.

Over the last 2 months or so Griffin has developed and learned a great deal. He has rolled over, started to belly crawl and really move around the living room. He has also become very vocal and bossy. He sits and plays. He is eating homemade baby food and really enjoying it. The big achievement for me..... He has finally decided that bedtime isn't terrible. We still have our nights, but it's so much better than it used to be!

It has been a rough few months, but it seems to be getting better. We are now at 6 months and I can't believe we have come this far. It's kinda crazy to think that I am the mom of a 6 month old!

On Parenting....

The following blog was written by my husband and I felt the need to share it on my blog.....

This one's been gestating for awhile.. and I'm still not certain I've got it all hashed out in my head the way I want to before I write it down.. but I'm going to give it a shot anyway.  You'll notice how many questions I have to which I still haven't worked out the answers.

I've been thinking a lot about parenthood lately, for obvious reasons.  And also as would be expected, I find myself thinking a lot about the experiences that I had as a child and how they still affect me today.

Now, my parents did a good job raising me.  I had a mostly happy and full childhood and I feel like I learned a lot of the lessons I should have - both necessary and silly.  But I also want to give my son a somewhat different experience than what I had growing up.  It's a constant conversation in my head trying to figure out what to do for Griffin - trying to figure out how he's going to react, how it's going to change his development, how it's going to affect him for the long term. 

There is plenty of research in the world showing that the first twelve months of a person's existence is the most crucial and influential to the way that their personalities develop permanently (if such a word can be applied to personalities.. they are rather dynamic, aren't they?).   Griff was up at 6am for a feeding this morning.  Once Amber got back in bed, I found myself talking to her about how stubborn he is already.. and how we, as parents, have a challenge ahead of us as I'm already sure he's going to be stubborn as hell.  That's not a bad thing.. there are plenty of ways stubbornness can be channeled into a positive quality in a person.  The question is, how do we foster those positive uses? How do we discourage the negative ones? 

And that might be the real meat of this whole thought process.  Not only do we need to identify the qualities we want to either encourage or discourage, but we have to decide what the best way to do that is.. and I think that's where I'm finding some places that I want to distance myself from some of the methods my parents used and embrace other methods they employed.  I'm not sure how much I want to rely on punishment as a parenting tool.  I know I will have to employ it at some point, but how frequently?  How severely?  What about positive reinforcement?  How does one go about doing that without appearing weak or as a pushover?  My parents used negative reinforcement frequently with me (and again, I don't say that with any negativity).  I got the wooden spoon, I got spanked, I got stuff taken away, I got grounded.  That's not a bad thing.. but how heavy do you wield the hammer?  How does it affect personality development?  Is there a better method?  If so, is it better every time?  If not, how the hell do you determine when to use what method?

I keep feeling that it's a lot like weeding a garden just after everything starts breaking ground.  You have to figure out what plants are tomato plants and which are weeds.  Once you've identified what you want to allow to grow, you have to employ a method of killing the others.  Round-up?  A hoe?  Yank 'em out one-at-a-time?  Don't forget to pull those roots all the way out.  The biggest spot where this metaphor fails is when it comes to free will.  He's a person, not a vegetable garden.  I get that I'm only going to be able to effect or encourage so much growth, but what do I do when he just refuses to take the lesson?  How hard do you try?  How stubborn do I need to be as a parent?   Where do you spend the currency of discipline?

A few weeks ago (before we had resolved most of the sleeping issues), Griff woke up in the middle of the night.  At that point, he wanted very little to do with me and refused to let me put him to sleep.  He wanted Mom only for those duties.  I was trying to give Amber a break.. so there I sat for a couple hours in the middle of the night with him on my lap in the rocking chair.. he kept looking at his bedroom door and crying out.  He KNEW he'd used this method before and he KNEW that Mom responded to it.. yet I wasn't going to let it work this time.  That behaviour needed to be changed.  I sat there with him for over an hour and a half that night in a battle of wills until he finally relented and fell asleep.  I'm still not certain if I'm happy about the way that was resolved or not.  Yeah, I showed him (and myself) that I'm capable of being tough, but I also showed him that no matter how he cried, we weren't going to help him take the path of least resistance to get back to sleep.  Did that damage my relationship with him?  Earn respect or earn a little bit of disappointment/spite?  Was that the right decision?  I realize that was a pretty minor situation, but it's a microcosm of how life has been lately, and of how I'm expecting it to continue until I hit the graveyard.

I keep trying to figure out how my parents would have done it.  I keep trying to figure out if I would like the results of how they would do it or not.  I keep trying to figure out if that's a method that I can employ with Griffin and his unique personality.  In the end, I know I'm going to love him unconditionally no matter what for who he is.  But there's that big, fat responsibility there for us to try to help him become as well-rounded, reasonable, and capable of an individual as we can.  I know I should expect to struggle with this for the rest of my life.  I guess I'm just trying to figure out what to expect and how to be better prepared for the situations parenthood is going to present.

                      --Jake Botticello

Patience...... I need some!

Patience....  is it a hot commodity?  Can I buy it on the black market? Does anyone want to lend me some? Because right about now.... I could truly use some.  I mean I really REALLY need some.  I am just about at the end of my rope here.  For the past month, we have been fighting the infant sleeping battle.  My husband and I have tried just about every combination of sleeping patterns and routines.  We've tried many mini naps throughout the day.  We've tried one long nap and two short naps.  We've tried bath, nurse, bed.  We've tried the swing.  We've done co-sleeping.  I've actually been just about forced to co-sleep due to the fact that I need sleep myself.  Griffin just can not seem to get into a deep enough sleep to sleep longer than 2 hour stretches.  I've managed to perfect the side nursing position and get some sleep.  But, I find myself wondering if I have caused all these problems..... Did I allow him to get the idea that it's okay to fall asleep in my arms and not sleep anywhere else?  Did I allow him to get the idea that the ONLY place to sleep is in my arms or attached to my breast?  I'm to the point of insanity.  Today, I tried the "let's keep him awake all day without any naps" route.  Well, that was a horrible idea, especially because my husband was at work ALL day (9am-9pm).  I had no one to help.  I had no one to hand him to when I could no longer take his crankiness.  I eventually let him sleep for about a half hour.  Once 7:00pm rolled around I thought, okay, bath time.  Into the warm water he went.  Afterwards, I nursed him and he fell asleep.  I thought to myself.... "hmm, how long will this last?  Is this success?"  NO!  After about an hour of sleeping, his little blue eyes opened and looked at me, "thanks for the nap, Mom," was what those eyes were saying.  Now, as I type, he is in the moby and I'm fuming.  Why?  Because I'm so tired of spending my ENTIRE day with this difficult child!  Does that make me a horrible Mom?  I just can't take it anymore.  I truly am tired of spending my every waking hour tending to Griffin.  I need some me time!  I hear everyone always saying, "enjoy the times when they are this little because they grow up so fast...."  but I can't quite take that advice to heart.  I'm finding it VERY hard to enjoy this time when he is being so difficult.  And, to be honest, it's hard to listen to people say, "it gets better"  because right now.... I don't see it getting better any time soon.  I don't feel like it's going to get better.  I feel incredibly lost.  I don't know what to do anymore.  Maybe I'm just being selfish and over dramatic.  Maybe I'm being a baby.  But damn, this is a lot harder than I ever thought.  I have tried to let it go.  I have tried to let it roll off my shoulders.  I keep telling myself that he's an infant.  He doesn't know any better.  He doesn't mean to be difficult...... But, it's getting to the point that my little pep talks just aren't helping anymore....................

Motherhood... the strange things it does to a person

Today I realized that being a mother... a mom... a mommy... a mama makes you a whole other type of breed.  It makes you a different type of person.  For those of you who don't have children might wonder what I am talking about.  You might think I'm insane... crazy for that matter!  I have always had a rather strange sense of humor, I'll send a thank you out to my mother and grandmom for that trait.  Being a Mama has only intensified my strange-ness.  My husband will verify.  I'm sure he'll follow this blog with a comment in agreement.

I'll give you a few examples of this motherhood weirdness.

• Today, as I type even, I am wearing one sock.  Why?  I have no clue!  How did I end up with only one sock on?  I have no clue!  All I know is that I left the house to go grocery shopping with two black socks on and eventually ended up with one bare foot.  When did I realize this?  When I walked into the kitchen and the tile was cold on only one foot.  I thought to myself... "why, how the hell did that happen?"  And better yet, "When?"  Neither question I could answer.  I never did put the sock back on, but I didn't take the other off either, so I sit here typing this blog with one sock on and one sock off.  I think this falls into the "some things just aren't as important anymore" category. 

• The silly faces.  The ugly faces.  The absolutely, "what the hell are you doing" faces.  Yes, even though I am out in public, I still make faces at Griffin.  He still needs to be entertained.  Just because we aren't in the confines of our own home, does not mean that he needs any less attention.  So, I give it to him.  Maybe not always at the best of times.  I find myself standing in line at the grocery store making faces at him.  I stick my tongue out.  I raise my eyebrows.  I cross my eyes.  I do anything to elicit a smile.  I'm sure the people around me think I'm a crazy lady who has left the house with uncombed hair and no makeup.  If they have children, I'm hoping they understand.......... And if you don't and you see me making these faces, don't judge me! : )

•  When I think maybe, just maybe, Griffin could handle sitting in his lamb seat for a bit, I attempt to take a shower.  What  makes this weird or strange?  You think, "hey every mom does this" just wait...... I shower with the back half of the shower curtain open.  Why?  Because Griffin feels the need to see me at all times or he lets you know he is ANGRY!  Most times I shower when my husband is home so he can hang out with the rugrat, but today I was desperate for a hot shower.  So I gathered up the little guy, buckled him in his seat and ran the little bit of hot water our house has. I jumped in, preparing to rush through a shower.  Preparing to only hope that I got all the conditioner rinsed out of my hair.  With the shower curtain half open though, Griffin allowed me a rather relaxing cleanse.  I was shocked and surprised.... and incredibly thankful!  Moms with infants know this dilemma of "to shower... or not to shower."  Today, I got to shower.  The floor might have gotten a little wet, but today I got to shower!

So, in conclusion, motherhood has made me a different person.  Maybe not always a better person (in regards to other adults in my life, I'm sorry for being a little hard to deal with...) I sing nursery rhymes in strange voices, I make faces in public, I don't shower on a daily basis (I shouldn't have admitted to that), I often cry at anything, and I walk around with one sock off.

But... what mother wouldn't deal with all those thing for a simple smile!

 

Griffin... an only child!

Over the last month and a half or so.... I've been threatening Griffin! Not in the usual sense like "I won't buy you any toys"... or "just wait till your Papa comes home" but rather "I'm not going to give you any brothers or sisters to play with if you don't stop being a pest!"  As you've all read my previous posts, Griffin has been rather difficult.  He decides when he wants to sleep and eat.  He decides where I sleep for the night.  About a week ago, I decided that I needed to take charge and stop letting a 4 month old run my life!  What?  I didn't know any better, first time parent here.  : )  Well, I did some reading on naps and nursing and routines.  I thought that I had a routine, but how wrong I was.  I needed to stop letting Griffin tell me when and where and instead tell him when and where!  So, we started a strict, well rarely strict routine.  It's worked.... Kind of.  The whole bed time is still a little hard.  I put him down after nursing and he wakes up.  We play the dance of fussing and sleeping till 11:00 or so and then he has been zonking out till 4am, nursing and then asleep till at least 8am.  

This morning, when I was cleaning up Griffin's morning oatmeal extravaganza, my husband told Griffin that if he didn't buck up, I was going to refuse to have more children.  I won't lie.... the thought has crossed my mind.  Do I want more of these little monsters.  While I love being a mom, some days are very hard to get through.  The smiles and giggles make it worth it, but damn..... do I want more of these little monsters while I have a 2 year old running around? Hmmm, it's a serious thought.  I want a family of more than one child, but currently, at this very moment, I am very satisfied with one.  Will I change my mind once Griffin gets a little more independence, I'm sure.  I hope.........   

Single Moms..... My hats off!

My hats off to all the single moms out there.  I spent one night, home alone, with Griffin and I almost felt like the world was coming to an end.  Well, it wasn't that dramatic, but I definitely give single moms, or single dads for that matter, serious credit!  I have the luxury of being a stay at home mom.  I don't have to go to work day after day and then come home to take care of an infant.  So, to those moms and dads who do the dance of working and single parenthood, man you're amazing.  I'm sure that if I absolutely had to, I could manage.  I'm a strong woman.  I can take care of myself and Griffin, but it's sure nice knowing that I have my husband to help.  It's nice knowing that I can hand Griffin off to him to take a shower or go grocery shopping.  When I think of going at this alone my heart skips a beat and my palms get sweaty.  I guess I should take the time to say a Thank You to my husband for being my husband.  For being there for me and our son. 

And on another note...  My hat is not off to the single celebrity moms who choose to have a baby because they can't find a partner in life to have a baby with.  Or to better their image as a good person.  It's almost selfish!  You might ask why do I feel this way?  Because we all know that they are not doing it alone.  Yes, okay, the single moms and dads that have children have family and friends that help.  But the celebrities all have live in nannies or nurses.  On top of that they have people to keep their houses looking like no one even lives there.  Maybe I'm being a bit over dramatic, but come on.... we all know they don't really change that many dirty diapers.  They go on the talk shows and say, "yes, I change dirty diapers and I play with so and so" but do they really do that or are they just justifying their actions to make themselves seem like a better person. Oh man, I re-read that and I sound bitter.  Maybe I'm just tired.  But again, I go back to... hooray all your single parents making life work.  I know it can't be easy!

A Year Ago.......

A year ago today my life changed. A year ago today I found out that I was pregnant. A year ago today I realized that I was responsible for someone other than myself. A year ago from right now (8pm) I was probably snoozing on the sofa due to the 1st trimester exhaustion. Everything at that moment became so crystal clear and incredibly real. Life as I knew it was going to be different......radically different.

Today I am a mother of an almost 4 month old tiny human. A mother of a little guy who has started the grabbing at everything stage, including my hair. A mother of a little guy who had a poop explosion today which was promptly followed by a spit-up explosion (we both had to change clothes twice). A mother of a little guy who smiles and his toothless grin melts your heart. I am a mother. I am now responsible for someone other than myself... My how life has changed!

Great Expectations.......

Expectations.... Milestones..... Achievements....

Has he yet?  Does he do? Does he have? The questions that will come up throughout Griffin's development as a tiny human.  It's hard as a parent, well at least for me, to try and remember that an infant's development is unique.  I have to keep reminding myself that because one infant rolled over at 2 and a half months, does not necessarily mean Griffin will be rolling over.  And on top of that... that nothing is wrong with that fact.  Just because one infant is getting teeth at 3 and a half months and Griffin has none, does not mean that Griffin is behind.  It just means that his body was/is not yet ready.  It's hard as a parent to remind myself that things will develop in time.  I have to stop comparing Griffin to the statistics of where a baby is in expectations and milestones.  He is unique and his own little person.  He will cut teeth and crawl and sit up without assistance in time.

Griffin rolled over for the first time the other day and it was a celebration!  I found myself wondering if he was supposed to do that sooner?  But, then I remind myself that Griffin is rarely on the floor.  He is often times in my lap or in the moby.  Then, I ask myself... am I stunting his growth and development as a little human because I hold him so much?  The answer to that question... No.  I enjoy his company (most days) and he likes to be with me.  Spoiled?  No, infants don't have the brain capacity to realize that they are being spoiled.  Griffin just knows that I love him.  Let me reassure you though, that we have been spending a lot more time on the floor, playing with toys that move and make sounds when you touch them.  We are working on motor skills.  We are working on tummy time.  We are just working.  Griffin will be a tiny human who will be loved.  He will be a tiny human who will develop at his own rate.  He will be a tiny human who allows his body to tell him when it's ready to do those expectations.. those milestones... those achievements that my husband and I wait for.

Parent Paranoia

Oh The paranoia of parenting...... I often times find myself wondering what is the reason for certain behaviors Griffin has.  For example, why he was up so late one night or why he has all of a sudden started putting his hands up by his ears.Is he teething?  Is it an ear infection?  Or has he just discovered the fact that he has ears and wanted to always play with them.  I do this a lot.  I find myself making excuses for the things he does to justify what, I'm not sure.  I really just need to realize that infants do things just because.  There isn't always an answer to the questions I'm asking in my head... or even out loud to anyone who will listen.  I am a person who needs answers and reasons why.  I am structured and a little obsessive compulsive.  I have learned (slowly learning is a better description) to let things go a little.  When Griffin is up late, I need to just let that be.  By the time 10:30 rolls around, I'm frustrated and pissy.  I have to tell myself that it's just the way his body is working tonight and let it go.  Some nights are harder than others, I will admit. 

I need to go with the flow.  Infants change on a daily basis.  Because he did something one day, does not mean he will do the exact same thing tomorrow or a week from now.  Eventually, I'll learn and be okay with things as I grow as a parent. Hopefully.........

New Years Eve

Ah... Good ol New Years Eve.  The night where everyone stays up late to watch a ball drop from Times Square.  A night to kiss a loved one...... or a complete stranger for some.  A night to drink and drink till you find yourself with blurry vision and/or stumbling.  For me, it was a night to carry a not-so-happy Griffin around the living room.  We started the night out fantastic.  Bath, lotion, story, nursing... sleeping!  YAY!!!  Then came 10:00pm.  Griffin woke in his swing crying a river.  My husband and I both tried to soothe him, but he was not having any of it.  I had turned the t.v off, attempting for a quiet atmosphere.  Next thing I knew, my husband was coming into the living room asking for a kiss.  HUH?!  Happy New Year!!  I totally missed the ball dropping.  Well, at least I missed it live.  Thanks for technology, I was able to watch it second hand. 

I remember this time last year, I was curled up on the couch, wondering to myself, if the reason my eyes were heavy was because I was getting old.  I found myself half asleep while the ball dropped.  I was thinking to myself, have I gotten so out of touch and so old that I no longer have the desire to stay up and watch performers sing songs that were dubbed over.  Or watch Dick Clark attempt to count down from 20?  Looking back, it was mostly because I was unknowingly pregnant and dealing with exhaustion.  Funny, how last year I was sound asleep and this year I was half asleep carrying a baby who wanted nothing to do with sleep.  I'm telling myself now that he just wanted to ring in the New Year with his Mama and Papa. And that he did.